sleepy r e b e l

Some Ways

2012-01-03T13:46:00.001-08:00

Of all the fairy tales told through and through

The one I like most involves me and you

Though there are no dragons to try and pursue

A villain named loneliness, you chose to slew

With nothing but compassion to light the way

And kindness wielded to slay doubts as prey

My trust was fed on the strength you displayed

Which few have promised and chose to betray

Once eagerly unaware of the scenery ahead

Bruises, not kisses, have been felt instead

This open heart closed and began to dread

Kind eyed strangers with intentions unsaid

Weary of the wariness that love can be true

Your hand over mine in more ways imbued

Belief in each other to see everything through

More than perfumed speeches could ever do

As every fairy tale needs some magic and song

This Christmas Eve I wish truly to belong

Nowhere other than in your arms wrapped strong

Around the happily ever after which awaits us lifelong

Invictus

2010-05-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Lucid Dreamer

2009-08-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

She lies beneath the moon, she floats above the sea

She swims between your fingers and lingers in your dreams

She wades within the music of each melodic strum

She paints the colors of your mind into a poem

They say she looks like rain and smells like spring

She blows the wind below every bird’s wing

Her gaze stirs the birth of every living thing

Every love after hers seems merely a fling

A stowed secret, she’s mused in dreams intertwined

Of secrets and love hung together in time

She cradles to her bosom your soul’s perfect design

And patiently awaits you in the quicksand of her mind

2009-06-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

Oh the choices we make...

2009-05-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

So what do you think of my little vessel? She's what we call "see-worthy." S-E-E. See with your eyes. I feel like my transport should be an extension of my personality. Voila. And this? This is like my little window to the world, and every minute it's a different show. Now, I may not understand it. I may not even necessarily agree with it. But I'll tell you what, I accept it and just sort of glide along. You want to keep things on an even keel I guess is what I'm saying. You want to go with the flow. The sea refuses no river. The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving. Saves on introductions and good-byes. The ride does not require an explanation. Just occupants. That's where you guys come in. It's like you come onto this planet with a crayon box. Now, you may get the 8-pack, you may get the 16-pack. But it's all in what you do with the crayons, the colors that you're given. And don't worry about drawing within the lines or coloring outside the lines. I say color outside the lines. You know what I mean? Color right off the page. Don't box me in. We're in motion to the ocean. We are not landlocked, I'll tell ya that. So where do you want out?

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The reason why I refuse to take existentialism as just another French fashion or historical curiosity is that I think it has something very important to offer us for the new century. I'm afraid we're losing the real virtues of living life passionately, sense of taking responsibility for who you are, the ability to make something of yourself and feeling good about life. Existentialism is often discussed as if it's a philosophy of despair. But I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre once interviewed said he never really felt a day of despair in his life. But one thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance of feeling on top of it. It's like your life is yours to create. I've read the postmodernists with some interest, even admiration. But when I read them, I always have this awful nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is getting left out. The more that you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as fragmented or marginalized, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses. And when Sartre talks about responsibility, he's not talking about something abstract. He's not talking about the kind of self or soul that theologians would argue about. It's something very concrete. It's you and me talking. Making decisions. Doing things and taking the consequences. It might be true that there are six billion people in the world and counting. Nevertheless, what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms. Makes a difference to other people and it sets an example. In short, I think the message here is that we should never simply write ourselves off and see ourselves as the victim of various forces. It's always our decision who we are.

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Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration. And this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. Like, you know, "water." We came up with a sound for that. Or "Saber-toothed tiger right behind you." We came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. What is, like, frustration? Or what is anger or love? When I say "love," the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person's ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain, you know, through their memories of love or lack of love, and they register what I'm saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable. And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we've connected, and we think that we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for.

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If we're looking at the highlights of human development, you have to look at the evolution of the organism and then at the development of its interaction with the environment. Evolution of the organism will begin with the evolution of life perceived through the hominid coming to the evolution of mankind. Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon man. Now, interestingly, what you're looking at here are three strings: biological, anthropological -- development of the cities -- and cultural, which is human expression.

Now, what you've seen here is the evolution of populations, not so much the evolution of individuals. And in addition, if you look at the time scales that are involved here -- two billion years for life, six million years for the hominid, 100,000 years for mankind as we know it -- you're beginning to see the telescoping nature of the evolutionary paradigm. And then when you get to agricultural, when you get to scientific revolution and industrial revolution, you're looking at 10,000 years, 400 years, 150 years. Uou're seeing a further telescoping of this evolutionary time. What that means is that as we go through the new evolution, it's gonna telescope to the point we should be able to see it manifest itself within our lifetime, within this generation.

The new evolution stems from information, and it stems from two types of information: digital and analog. The digital is artificial intelligence. The analog results from molecular biology, the cloning of the organism. And you knit the two together with neurobiology. Before on the old evolutionary paradigm, one would die and the other would grow and dominate. But under the new paradigm, they would exist as a mutually supportive, noncompetitive grouping. Okay, independent from the external.

And what is interesting here is that evolution now becomes an individually centered process, emanating from the needs and desires of the individual, and not an external process, a passive process where the individual is just at the whim of the collective. So, you produce a neo-human, okay, with a new individuality and a new consciousness. But that's only the beginning of the evolutionary cycle because as the next cycle proceeds, the input is now this new intelligence. As intelligence piles on intelligence, as ability piles on ability, the speed changes. Until what? Until we reach a crescendo in a way could be imagined as an enormous instantaneous fulfillment of human? human and neo-human potential. It could be something totally different. It could be the amplification of the individual, the multiplication of individual existences. Parallel existences now with the individual no longer restricted by time and space.

And the manifestations of this neo-human-type evolution, manifestations could be dramatically counter-intuitive. That's the interesting part. The old evolution is cold. It's sterile. It's efficient, okay? And its manifestations of those social adaptations. We're talking about parasitism, dominance, morality, okay? Uh, war, predation, these would be subject to de-emphasis. These will be subject to de-evolution. The new evolutionary paradigm will give us the human traits of truth, of loyalty, of justice, of freedom. These will be the manifestations of the new evolution. And that is what we would hope to see from this. That would be nice.

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A self-destructive man feels completely alienated, utterly alone. He's an outsider to the human community. He thinks to himself, "I must be insane." What he fails to realize is that society has, just as he does, a vested interest in considerable losses and catastrophes. These wars, famines, floods and quakes meet well-defined needs. Man wants chaos. In fact, he's gotta have it. Depression, strife, riots, murder, all this dread. We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction. It's in all of us. We revel in it. Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on these things, painting them up as great human tragedies. But we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no. Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers that be want us to be passive observers. Hey, you got a match? And they haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purely symbolic, participatory act of voting. You want the puppet on the right or the puppet on the left? I feel that the time has come to project my own inadequacies and dissatisfactions into the sociopolitical and scientific schemes, let my own lack of a voice be heard.

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I keep thinking about something you said.

Something I said?

Yeah. About how you often feel like you're observing your life from the perspective of an old woman about to die. You remember that?

Yeah. I still feel that way sometimes. Like I'm looking back on my life. Like my waking life is her memories.

Exactly. I heard that Tim Leary said as he was dying that he was looking forward to the moment when his body was dead but his brain was still alive. You know they say that there's still six to twelve minutes of brain activity after everything else is shutdown. And a second of dream consciousness, right, well, that's infinitely longer than a waking second. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah, definitely. For example, I wake up and it is 10:12, and then I go back to sleep and I have those long, intricate, beautiful dreams that seem to last for hours, and then I wake up and it's ... 10:13.

Yeah, exactly. So then six to twelve minutes of brain activity, I mean, that could be your whole life. I mean, you are that woman looking back over everything.

Okay, so what if I am? Then what would you be in all that?

Whatever I am right now. I mean, yeah, maybe I only exist in your mind. I'm still just as real as anything else.

Yeah. I've been thinking also about something you said.

What's that?

Just about reincarnation and where all the new souls come from over time. Everybody always say that they've been the reincarnation of Cleopatra or Alexander the Great. I always want to tell them they were probably some dumb fuck like everybody else. I mean, it's impossible. Think about it. The world population has doubled in the past 40 years, right? So if you really believe in that ego thing of one eternal soul, then you have only 50% chance of your soul being over 40. And for it to be over 150 years old, then it's only one out of six.

Right, so what are you saying? That reincarnation doesn't exist, or that we're all young souls like where half of us are first round humans?

No, no. What I'm trying to say is that somehow I believe reincarnation is just a - a poetic expression of what collective memory really is. There was this article by this biochemist that I read not long ago, and he was talking about how when a member of our species is born, it has a billion years of memory to draw on. And this is where we inherit our instincts.

I like that. It's like there's this whole telepathic thing going on that we're all a part of, whether we're conscious of it or not. That would explain why there are all these, you know, seemingly spontaneous, worldwide, innovative leaps in science, in the arts. You know, like the same results poppin' up everywhere independent of each other. Some guy on a computer, he figures something out, and then almost simultaneously a bunch of other people all over the world figure out the same thing. They did this study. They isolated a group of people over time, and they monitored their abilities at crossword puzzles, right, in relation to the general population. And they secretly gave them a day-old crossword, one that had already been answered by thousands of other people, right. And their scores went up dramatically, like 20 percent. So it's like once the answers are out there, people can pick up on 'em. It's like we're all telepathically sharing our experiences.

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In a way, in our contemporary world view, it's easy to think that science has come to take the place of God. But some philosophical problems remain as troubling as ever. Take the problem of free will. This problem has been around for a long time, since before Aristotle in 350 B.C. St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, these guys all worried about how we can be free if God already knows in advance everything you're gonna do. Nowadays we know that the world operates according to some fundamental physical laws, and these laws govern the behavior of every object in the world. Now, these laws, because they're so trustworthy, they enable incredible technological achievements. But look at yourself. We're just physical systems too, right? We're just complex arrangements of carbon molecules. We're mostly water, and our behavior isn't gonna be an exception to these basic physical laws. So it starts to look like whether its God setting things up in advance and knowing everything you're gonna do or whether it's these basic physical laws governing everything, there's not a lot of room left for freedom.

So now you might be tempted to just ignore the question, ignore the mystery of free will. Say "Oh, well, it's just an historical anecdote. It's sophomoric. It's a question with no answer. Just forget about it." But the question keeps staring you right in the face. You think about individuality for example, who you are. Who you are is mostly a matter of the free choices that you make. Or take responsibility. You can only be held responsible, you can only be found guilty, or you can only be admired or respected for things you did of your own free will. So the question keeps coming back, and we don't really have a solution to it. It starts to look like all our decisions are really just a charade.

Think about how it happens. There's some electrical activity in your brain. Your neurons fire. They send a signal down into your nervous system. It passes along down into your muscle fibers. They twitch. You might, say, reach out your arm. It looks like it's a free action on your part, but every one of those - every part of that process is actually governed by physical law, chemical laws, electrical laws, and so on.

So now it just looks like the big bang set up the initial conditions, and the whole rest of human history, and even before, is really just the playing out of subatomic particles according to these basic fundamental physical laws. We think we're special. We think we have some kind of special dignity, but that now comes under threat. I mean, that's really challenged by this picture.

So you might be saying, "Well, wait a minute. What about quantum mechanics? I know enough contemporary physical theory to know it's not really like that. It's really a probabilistic theory. There's room. It's loose. It's not deterministic." And that's going to enable us to understand free will. But if you look at the details, it's not really going to help because what happens is you have some very small quantum particles, and their behavior is apparently a bit random. They swerve. Their behavior is absurd in the sense that its unpredictable and we can't understand it based on anything that came before. It just does something out of the blue, according to a probabilistic framework. But is that going to help with freedom? I mean, should our freedom be just a matter of probabilities, just some random swerving in a chaotic system? That starts to seem like it's worse. I'd rather be a gear in a big deterministic physical machine than just some random swerving.

So we can't just ignore the problem. We have to find room in our contemporary world view for persons with all that that entails; not just bodies, but persons. And that means trying to solve the problem of freedom, finding room for choice and responsibility, and trying to understand individuality

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The quest is to be liberated from the negative, which is really our own will to nothingness. And once having said yes to the instant, the affirmation is contagious. It bursts into a chain of affirmations that knows no limit. To say yes to one instant is to say yes to all of existence

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The main character is what I call "the mind". Its mastery, its capacity to represent. Throughout history, attempts have been made to contain those experiences which happen at the end of the limit where the mind is vulnerable. But I think we are in a very significant moment in history. Those moments, those what you might call liminal, limit, frontier, edge zone experiences are actually now becoming the norm. These multiplicities and distinctions and differences that have given great difficulty to the old mind are actually through entering into their very essence, tasting and feeling their uniqueness. One might make a breakthrough to that common something that holds them together.

And so the main character is, to this new mind, greater, greater mind. A mind that yet is to be. And when we are obviously entered into that mode, you can see a radical subjectivity, radical attunement to individuality, uniqueness to that which the mind is, opens itself to a vast objectivity. So the story is the story of the cosmos now. The moment is not just a passing empty nothing, yet - and this is the way in which these secret passages happen - yes, it's empty with such fullness that the great moment, the great life of the universe, is pulsating in it. And each one, each object, each place, each act leaves a mark. And that story is singular. But, in fact, it's story after story.

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Time just dissolves into quick-moving particles that are swirling away. Either I'm moving fast or time is. Never both simultaneously.

It's such a strange paradox. I mean, while, technically, I'm closer to the end of my life than I've ever been, I actually feel more than ever that I have all the time in the world. When I was younger, there was a desperation, a desire for certainty, like there was an end to the path, and I had to get there.

I know what you mean, because I can remember thinking, "Oh, someday, like in my mid-thirties maybe, everything's going to just somehow gel and settle, just end." It was like there was this plateau, and it was waiting for me, and I was climbing up it, and when I got to the top, all growth and change would stop. Even exhilaration. But that hasn't happened like that, thank goodness. I think that what we don't take into account when we're young is our endless curiosity. That's what's so great about being human.

Yeah, yeah. Well do you know that thing Benedict Anderson says about identity?

No.

Well, he's talking about like, say, a baby picture. So you pick up this picture, this two-dimensional image, and you say, "That's me." Well, to connect this baby in this weird little image with yourself living and breathing in the present, you have to make up a story like, "This was me when I was a year old, and then later I had long hair, and then we moved to Riverdale, and now here I am." So it takes a story that's actually a fiction to make you and the baby in the picture identical to create your identity.

And the funny thing is, our cells are completely regenerating every seven years. We've already become completely different people several times over, and yet we always remain quintessentially ourselves.

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Our critique began as all critiques begin: with doubt. Doubt became our narrative. Ours was a quest for a new story, our own. And we grasped toward this new history driven by the suspicion that ordinary language couldn't tell it. Our past appeared frozen in the distance, and our every gesture and accent signified the negation of the old world and the reach for a new one. The way we lived created a new situation, one of exuberance and friendship, that of a subversive microsociety, in the heart of a society which ignored it. Art was not the goal but the occasion and the method for locating our specific rhythm and buried possibilities of our time. The discovery of a true communication was what it was about, or at least the quest for such a communication. The adventure of finding it and losing it. We the unappeased, the unaccepting continued looking, filling in the silences with our own wishes, fears and fantasies. Driven forward by the fact that no matter how empty the world seemed, no matter how degraded and used up the world appeared to us, we knew that anything was still possible. And, given the right circumstances, a new world was just as likely as an old one.

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There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life and those who suffer from an overabundance of life. I've always found myself in the second category. When you come to think of it, almost all human behavior and activity is not essentially any different from animal behavior. The most advanced technologies and craftsmanship bring us, at best, up to the super-chimpanzee level. Actually, the gap between, say, Plato or Nietzsche and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human. The realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved.

Why so few? Why is world history and evolution not stories of progress but rather this endless and futile addition of zeroes. No greater values have developed. Hell, the Greeks 3,000 years ago were just as advanced as we are. So what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential? The answer to that can be found in another question, and that's this: Which is the most universal human characteristic - fear or laziness?

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For I do not await the future, anticipating salvation, absolution, not even enlightenment through process. I, I subscribe to the premise that this ... this flawed perfection is sufficient and complete in every single ineffable moment.

... venerable tradition of sorcerers, shamans and other visionaries who have developed and perfected the art of dream travel, the so-called lucid dream state where by consciously controlling your dreams, you're able to discover things beyond your capacity to apprehend in your awake state.

... a single ego is an absurdly narrow vantage from which to view this ... this experience. And where most consider their individual relationship to the universe, I contemplate relationships ... of my various selves to one another.

While most people with mobility problems are having trouble just getting around, at age 92, Joy Cullison's out seeing the world. Now I'm free to see the world.

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You know, they say that dreams are real only as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life? See, there's a lot of us that are out there that are mapping the mind-body relationship, of dreams. We're called the oneironauts. We're the explorers of the dream-world. Really, it's just about the two opposing states of consciousness which don't really oppose, at all. See, in the waking world, the neural system inhibits the activation of the vividness of memories. And this makes evolutionary sense. See you'd be maladapted for the perceptual image of a predator to be mistaken for the memory of one, and vice-versa. If the memory of a predator conjured up a perceptual image, we would be running off to the bathroom every time we had a scary thought. So you have these serotonic neurons that inhibit hallucinations that they themselves are inhibited during REM sleep. See this allows dreams to appear real, while preventing competition from other perceptual processes. This is why dreams are mistaken for reality. To the functional system of neural activity that creates our world, there is no difference between dreaming a perception and an action, and actually the waking perception and action.

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I had a friend once who told me that the worst mistake that you can make is to think you are alive, when you're really asleep in life's waiting room. The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. 'Cause if you can do that you can do anything. Did you ever have a job that you hated? Worked really hard at? A long, hard day at work, finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes, and immediately you wake up and realize that the whole day at work had been a dream? It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for ... for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free.

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If the world that we are forced to accept is false and nothing is true, then everything is possible.

On the way to discovering what we love, we will find everything we hate, everything that blocks our path of what we desire.

The comfort will never be comfortable for those who seek what is not on the market.

A systematic questioning of the idea of happiness.

We'll cut the vocal chords of every empowered speaker. We'll yank the social symbols through the looking glass We'll devalue society's currency.

To confront the familiar.

Society is a fraud so complete and venal that it demands to be destroyed beyond the power of memory to recall its existence.

Where there is fire, we will carry gasoline.

To interrupt the continuum of everyday experience and all the normal expectations that go with it.

To live as if something actually depended on one's actions.

To rupture the spell of the ideology of the commodified consumer society so that our repressed desires of a more authentic nature can come forward.

To demonstrate the contrast between what life presently is and what it could be.

To immerse ourselves in the oblivion of actions and know we're making it happen.

There will be an intensity never before known in everyday life to exchange love and hate, life and death, terror and redemption, repulsions and attractions.

An affirmation of freedom so reckless and unqualified, that it amounts to a total denial of every kind of restraint and limitation.

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What was missing was felt irretrievable. The extreme uncertainties of subsisting without working made excesses necessary and breaks definitive. To quote Stevenson: "Suicide carried off many. Drink and the devil took care of the rest."

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Haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming's dead, that no one does it anymore. It's not dead, it's just been forgotten. Removed from our language. No one teaches it so no one knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced. Ever. So whatever you do, don't be bored. This is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting.

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A thousand years is but an instant. There's nothing new, nothing different. The same pattern over and over. The same clouds, the same music, the same insight I felt an hour or an eternity ago. There's nothing here for me now, nothing at all. Now I remember. This happened to me before. This is why I left. You have begun to find your answers. Although it will seem difficult, the rewards will be great. Exercise your human mind as fully as possible, knowing it is only an exercise. Build beautiful artifacts, solve problems, explore the secrets of the physical universe, savor the input from all the senses, feel the joy and sorrow, the laughter, the empathy, compassion and tote the emotional memory in your travel bag. I remember where I came from and how I became a human, why I hung around, and now my final departure is scheduled. This way out. Escaping velocity. Not just eternity, but infinity.

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Excuse me.

Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant, you know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continuously on ant auto-pilot with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?" "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw, I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be an ant, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, no. I don't want to be an ant either. Heh. Yeah, thanks for kind of jostling me there. I've been kind of on zombie auto-pilot lately, I don't feel like an ant in my head, but I guess I probably look like one. It's kind of like D.H. Lawrence had this idea of two people meeting on a road. And instead of just passing and glancing away, they decide to accept what he calls "the confrontation between their souls." It's like, um, freeing the brave reckless gods within us all.

Then it's like we have met.

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We seem to think we're so limited by the world and the confines, but we're really just creating them. You keep trying to figure it out, but it seems like now that you know that what you're doing is dreaming, you can do whatever you want to. You're dreaming, but you're awake. You have, um, so many options, and that's what life is about.

Well, I understand what you're saying. It's up to me. I'm the dreamer. It's weird, like, so much of the information that these people have been like imparting to me. I don't know. It's got this, like, really heavy connotation to it.

Well, how do you feel?

Well, well, sometimes I feel kind of isolated, but most of the time I feel really connected, really, like, engaged in this active process. Which is kind of weird because most of the time I've just been really passive and not really responding, except for now, I guess. I'm just kind of letting the information wash over me.

It's not necessarily passive to not respond verbally. We're communicating on, on so many levels simultaneously. Perhaps you're, you're perceiving directly.

Most of the people that I've been encountering, and most of the things that I would want to say, it's like they kind of say it for me, and almost like at my cue. It's, it's like complete unto itself. It's not like I'm having a bad dream, it's a great dream. But ... it's so unlike any other dream I've ever had before. It's like the dream. It's like I'm being prepared for something.

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"On this bridge," Lorca warns, "life is not a dream. Beware. And beware. And beware." And so many think because Then happened, Now isn't. But didn't I mention the ongoing "wow" is happening right now? We are all co-authors of this dancing exuberance where even our inabilities are having a roast. We are the authors of ourselves, co-authoring a gigantic Dostoevsky novel, starring clowns. This entire thing we're involved with called the world, is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be. Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments, flabbergasted to be in each other's presence. The world is an exam to see if we can rise into direct experience. Our eyesight is here as a test to see if we can see beyond it. Matter is here as a test for our curiosity. Doubt is here as an exam for our vitality. Thomas Mann wrote that he would rather participate in life than write 100 stories. Giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint, a sudden exhilaration, as he realized that at last something was happening to him. An assumption develops that you cannot understand life and live life simultaneously. I do not agree entirely. Which is to say I do not exactly disagree. I would say that life understood is life lived. But the paradoxes bug me, and I can learn to love and make love to the paradoxes that bug me. And on really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion. Before you drift off, don't forget. Which is to say, remember. Because remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting. Lorca, in that same poem said that the iguana will bite those who do not dream. And as one realizes that one is a dream figure in another person's dream, that is self awareness.

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You haven't met yourself yet. But the advantage to meeting others in the meantime is that one of them may present you to yourself. Examine the nature of everything you observe. For instance, you might find yourself walking through a dream parking lot. And yes, those are dream feet inside of your dream shoes. Part of your dream self. And so, the person that you appear to be in the dream cannot be who you really are. This is an image, a mental model.

____________________________________________________________________

When it was over, all I could think about was how this entire notion of oneself, what we are, is, is, just this logical structure, a place to momentarily house all the abstractions. It was a time to become conscious, to give form and coherence to the mystery, and I had been a part of that. It was a gift. Life was raging all around me, and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses. That's what I love the most -- connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered.

2009-05-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

She wakes up to find his hand not there

The pillow besides her lays naked with hair

Morning or night she remains unaware

Into a cracked ceiling her eyes blankly stare

When she was small her father had said

No one is good enough for her to wed

For she was a princess in waiting well bred

Instead she finds herself deeply mislead

Romantics are made from dreams reborn

Fueled by fairy tales where evil is scorned

She does the right thing and still feels torn

Until all that’s left is an old heart forlorn

Time wields a whip which yields no mercy

To plague her wounds with salt as memories

Pain is in the veins of her lover’s enemy

Of whom she is named through sins regretfully

Shrouded in darkness lays her dormant mind

Playing his last words over on rewind

This is how a romantic heart commits suicide

For doubt is the cemetery in which hope resigns

2009-04-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

All human beings should learn before they die

What they are running from, and to, and why

Each should give without need of reply

And learn to choose from what’s easy or right

One part humility and one part sanity,

Both bind the fissures of our humanity

The timid and the wicked wrestle identities,

And fix their gaze on each other intently

Too often there are no reasons to smile,

As if each step drags on for endless miles

They say attitude is not a speech as it is a style,

Life is a crowded theatre with no exit aisles

Broken hearts are from giving love a try,

Yet not every ending needs a sad goodbye

For those who abide to wearing a disguise,

This world needs more heroes than weary spies

2009-04-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

There are nights I lie awake
Tracing patterns in the air
Just before daylight breaks
Into a secret world I stare

Effortlessly I fly above
Dragons, angels, and lairs
Music only fairies sing of
Floats gently everywhere

Shimmering in the water
Swims crystal fish that talk
Over by the flowers there
Are elves who pick shamrocks

Chattering from above
Are playful stars that shine
Their brilliant rays of light
On all of God's design

This secret world I keep
Lays dormant in my mind
A sweet escape from sleep
My dreams lay undefined

Random Blog Entry (first part I found, second part I elaborated)

2009-03-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

Are you someone that is liked? I am - in general I think most people like me. And it’s important to me. I make an effort to smile, to look people in the eye, to pay attention you know all of that stuff that makes you feel like you matter. How do you deal with people that don’t give a shit about being liked. That are rude. And that clearly do not like you. They don’t look you in the eye - they talk around you - they look at you for a brief second and then quickly look away like - shit you caught me, I acknowledged you exist, shit I’m screwed now.

So what do you do? Do you continue to be the Barney against their Scrooge? Do you fight back and assume an "I don't care either but secretly I am completely frustrated as to why you don't like me" stance? I mean, what did you ever do to this person to make them just simply... not.... like.... you. All you can think about is how can ANYONE not like me? I'm funny, friendly, and say sorry when I'm supposed to even when it's someone else who stepped on me. So what happens next? You try even HARDER to make them like you and start smiling extra hard, cracking jokes at every chance, offering to go out of your way to do things... and starting to look like a very sad puppy. Until you realize... what the effin hell man, I'm starting to lose my self-control over someone who I just met for 10 minutes. Who is this person? They sho ain't barak obama. Why the hell do I need to impress them so bad? It's because this person just simply doesn't want to or care about acknowledging YOUR existence and that's what pisses you off. Because hey, you got lots of friends, your boss likes you, you have a new shirt on your back... and your hair looks good today! You're almost on the verge of leaning over that counter and shaking that person silly while saying "Pay attention to me!!" like a spoiled 5-year old. Wait, how old are we again?

There's Hope - India Arie

2009-03-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

Back when I had a little
I thought that I needed a lot

A little was over rated,
But a lot was a little too complicated

You see-Zero didn't satisfy me
A million didn't make me happy

That's when I learned a lesson
That it's all about your perception

Hey-are you a pauper or a superstar
So you act, so you feel, so you are

It ain't about the size of your car
It's about the size of the faith in your heart

2009-02-27T16:32:00.000-08:00

Learn your lesson:

Too little, too late.

My Own Pillar

2009-02-25T21:41:00.000-08:00

When a handsome man catches my eye,

I falter with words and come off quite shy

I’m better with beginnings instead of goodbyes

And choose to write over subtract or multiply

My hands stay moist regardless of heat

I tried to go vegan but can’t resist meat

The jams I rock to flow in more than one beat

To succeed is when not to give into defeat

Embracing change still stays my belief

So multiple identities bring me relief

My relationships feed on loyalty's meat

Making people comfortable since 1983

I pray loudly to stars and everything in between

There's times my heart aches as if it needs codeine

I’ve fought my reflection since I was sixteen

Only now the mirror has cracked at the war unseen

I say what I mean yet I get confused

When to be strong, soft, or deeply amused

I smile too much and it gets misused

Some become friends and some end up bruised

I’m a poor liar and it shows on my face

Chasing the unseen is my road to heartache

Still, I wouldn’t have it any other way

My life comes once and only once on display

2009-02-15T14:32:00.001-08:00

Lifehouse - Make Me Over

2009-02-06T16:41:00.000-08:00

I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind

Changing myself just to stand alone in your eyes

A Lonely Compass

2009-02-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

I’m supposed to follow its pull

North, south, east, west until

A force yanks the needle to be still

And the arrow just points without will

Something inside has gone silent

Temptation it seems is now absent

My emotions flow without current

As the would’ves turned into shouldn’ts

Age is the weapon time wields

Its provocative future holds appeal

Yet none matters so much as when it steals

Sweet innocence worn like a shield

To be lovely should little girls stay

Year to year until their hair turns gray

Changing hearts through each heartache

Teaches hope when to sleep or stay awake

2009-01-26T00:09:00.001-08:00

VietFobl3oy (12:08:36 AM): we guys are dumb

VietFobl3oy (12:08:38 AM): forgive us

VietFobl3oy (12:08:49 AM): pleeez

2009-01-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

I'm no suzy baker but I made cupcakes and they came out nice.

I finally changed my number today so no turning around... not even to peek.

2009-01-07T13:38:00.001-08:00

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always gotten there first and is waiting for it.

2009-01-06T16:53:00.000-08:00

You have to let it go. Day by day.

Life's Little Reminders

2008-12-31T13:02:00.000-08:00

1. Be in the moment. You know when people say, "You're here but you're not really here?" When your mind starts to stray, reel it in and pay attention because what matters is the experience that is taking place then and there.

2. Who is that person staring back at you in the mirror? You're only as good as your fears and insecurities so know thy vices well. It will only build self esteem and attract the right kinds of friends and lovers. Be the best YOU can be and not by other people's standards. People who truly love and care about you will not only reflect on your strengths but will accept your flaws as well. Never change yourself for another person so much so that you start to lose sight of who it is you really are.

3. Never let your ego grow bigger than your compassion. Be humble, gracious and appreciative of everything in your life because you are not better than anyone else. You would do better to remember that you can learn something from everyone, especially the ones you DON'T want to become.

4. Pick and choose your battles wisely. Sometimes, the little things are just not worth it to get into a big fuss about. However, you can't solve anything by always running away from your problems. Always remember that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Most bad decisions we make occur during moments of anger and impatience. Take a deep breath and think before you act.

5. Never stop learning to strive upwards. This goes hand in hand with #3 because it's easy to lose sight of Clark Kent when you become Superman. They say people are like rocks tumbling from a mountain. We are full of rough edges when we are young but they are eventually smoothed out by life's experiences and what becomes of it is a round, polished stone. Read more, travel often, develop better social skills. The more you better yourself FOR you, the more confidence you will have. Try and surround yourself with positive people who carry the morales, principles, and mentality you agree with and not with those who belittle them.

6. Always try and do the right thing. The easy choices are not necessarily the right ones. Sometimes what we want is not what's best. Learn to separate your head from your heart and listen to both independently.

7. Heed good advice. There should be a few people in your life who you can count on to save your life, rescue your baby, wipe drool from your face and pick you up even if you are covered in a huge pile of shit. The advice they give you in times of indecision are usually for your own good even if you can't see it at the moment. Listen to them.

8. People who take care of themselves usually take care of business. Ever noticed the first thoughts that come into your head when you notice an attractive person who seems really put together? It's always something like, "They look good, I wonder what they're like" and you're immediately curious about them. Another old saying "Messy bed, messy head" also states that people who are unorganized and lack an interest in their appearance tends to lead very messy lives as well. Taking time to give yourself some tender loving care both inside and out will carry over to your working habits and goals.

9. Balance, balance, balance. Happiness is fleeting. Joy is fragile. Keep yourself well-rounded at YOUR own pace and not by other's standards. You can't build a beautiful soaring tower without a strong solid foundation. Be patient with your growing pains.

10. Nothing lasts forever. All the heartaches, disappointments, anger, and tears will eventually be replaced by other happiness that comes your way. We will all eventually die whether or not we like it so why not make your time here on earth that much more pleasurable? Kick out the bad influences in your life and keep the door wide open for the good. Remember, you always deserve better.

2008-12-31T10:54:00.001-08:00

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke."

-Lynda Barry

2008-12-28T11:59:00.000-08:00

My goals for the new year is to keep climbing and to be even more comfortable in my own skin. I should never lose sight to aspire for self-improvement.

Almost Lovers - A Fine Frenzy

2008-12-27T22:41:00.000-08:00

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

2008-12-26T12:46:00.000-08:00

Why women shouldn't say 'I love you' first

By Wendy Atterberry

(The Frisky) -- If I have a daughter one day, among the many things I'll teach her will be how to tie her shoes, to look both ways before crossing the street, to never end a sentence with a preposition, and to always let the man say "I love you" first.

I'll give her plenty of other relationship tips, too, like how it's perfectly okay to ask a guy out, to make the first move, to even propose, but when it comes to the "L" word, the ball's in the guy's court.

This issue can cause a bit of commotion. "What is this, the Victorian era?" wrote one person, "if you truly love someone, tell them. Otherwise you're just playing outdated coquettish games." Another put it more diplomatically: "I don't think I've ever said 'I love you' first, but someone has to do it. It's okay to take a few risks."

I appreciate both arguments and understand the sentiments behind them, but at the risk of having my feminist card revoked, I think it's naïve for a woman to utter those three little words before a man does.

Unlike asking a man out, making a move on him, or even proposing, there's no action-based response to the first "I love you." It's all words, it's all emotion. In that moment, he either loves you back or he doesn't -- you only hear the black or white of a 'yes' or 'no,' not the grey of "Well, I like you a whole lot and I could see myself falling in love with you, but I'm just not quite there yet."

And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they're usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level.

Don't Miss

The Frisky: Greed, glory of wedding registry
The Frisky: Choosing an engagement ring
The Frisky: What my ex taught me about relationships

So what happens if you get there first and you say it and he's not there yet? What happens when your "I love you" is met with a "thank you," or worse, a deer-in-headlights look? Well, it stings, sure, but more than that, it can stop a perfectly happy and healthy relationship in its tracks before it's even too far from the station.

If a woman asks a man out and he says 'no,' at least she knows where she stands with him and she doesn't waste any time pining over someone who isn't interested. Same thing goes if she makes a move on him and she's rejected.

If she's in a serious relationship -- one where the expression of love as been made clearly by both partners -- and she's eager to make a deeper commitment, there's nothing wrong with proposing. At the very least, it'll start a conversation of where the relationship is headed so the woman can decide for herself if and how long she's willing to wait if man isn't interested in getting married yet.

But an "I love you" uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn't feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn't get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.

I guess my advice to my future daughter would be this: "If you love a man and want to have a long relationship with him, give him time to get there. If you think you've given him enough time and you're ready to move on if he doesn't feel the same way for you, then go ahead and tell him you love him. But only say those words if you're prepared to let him go."

The Promise

2008-12-23T01:43:00.000-08:00

Maybe I was born a slow learner of hearts

Now and then I fumble clumsily in the dark

All the while I lose patience from the start

And utter words which come out too sharp

I learn when to follow, when to depart

How to comfort two hearts far apart

Whisper soft secrets to my sweetheart

Or else to play the fool rather than outsmart

The more I age the less excuse I impart

On the needs of my own and those I love

I’ll write poetry and play like Mozart

If just to see the fire my lover’s eyes spark

One day when we are old wrinkled farts

My love is how I shall leave a mark

To impress the heavens and even Descartes

By resting all doubt without remark

2008-12-22T20:57:00.001-08:00

What doesn't kill us, just makes us stranger.

Don't waste your whole life trying to take back what was taken away.

2008-12-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there lived a dragon, a rabbit and a boar. They were three formidable characters with strong opinions and a wide stubborn streak. Most of the time they bickered with each other over household issues and rarely saw eye to eye on things. It does not need to be said that as much as these three waged petty wars over insignificant fights, they were also each other's guardian angels. It also does not need to be pointed out that the love shared between these three ran deeper than the ocean itself, even though it was hard for them to show it at times. One day, it may be too late to say anything anymore but for all the silence and anger once displayed, a stronger, better, and more loyal love remains.

Halo - PCD

2008-12-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

I can take off when you need your time.

I can cheerlead for you from the sideline.

Whisper in your ear so divine.

But I'm not a superhero and

I'm sorry I couldn't wear your halo.

I'm sorry I couldn't be your angel.

Til' There's Silence

2008-12-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

A thousand cranes had once been made

By a little girl who believed in saints

Around the world they felt her pain

And soon her craft rose up in fame

In another time and foreign place

Someone else had did the same

Instead of cranes, she wept in vain

A thousand heavy tears fell down her face

Across the ocean the girl starts to pray

When the cranes are made, will she be saved

By a hospital bed the sun starts to fade

Silently she awaits for another day

The other girl with a different name

Has stopped her eyes from pouring rain

A thousand and one tears will not change

The things that hurt which still remain

Dirt Tracks

2008-11-29T20:00:00.000-08:00

Do sharp pangs suddenly strike

Of beguiled guilt buried deep inside

When I revealed to you a sudden loss

In which you never thought to think of twice

Our roles seem simple comedy

One cries and the other laughs easily

This never ending merry-go-round

Will only cease when one stops riding

The bruises we cause and those we keep

Make for bittersweet memories

In weakness they appear as enemies

With time they are realized as epiphanies

Hubris makes a capricious friend

It may break or save us in the end

We’re in the palm of each other’s hand

Never quite getting what we each planned

The Might of One

2008-11-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

There’s a heaviness in my heart

An ocean of tears contained

An invisible shadow that’s cast

Over each step heavily strained

This battle weary armor I don

Is dented with stories of victory

Fiercely fighting the honest fight

Against the reflection that is my enemy

“Through the valley of shadow and death,

I will fear no evil,” we say.

For in the dark there will be light

To guide the faithful on their way

True strength lies not in the arms we bear

Nor from boastful words loudly declared

The one whose love is selflessly shared

Will conquer happiness from the jaws of despair

A Thousand Miles Later

2008-10-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Don’t let it go to waste

Those elements of surprise

Like a smile that becomes an ally

In moments of distaste

I hope God forgives us

For angry words misplaced

Many good intentions erased

From one too many forgotten mistakes

May the landing be a little softer

For every fall and trip you encounter

From now until you grow older

Will someone catch you when you falter

These words are merely reminders

Wishful thoughts of a foolish lover

Who closes her eyes under the covers

And smiles at memories still remembered

The diary in our heart awaits a key

For someone to set our emotions free

Sometimes the lock is never released

And the ink inside is left to bleed

On this day like any other

A bundle of joy befell your mother

Years to come and years retired

Her love and mine remain unexpired

Complications

2008-10-07T16:44:00.001-07:00

Look at all the sorrow in the world

Drowning slowly those miserable souls

Were it not for the promise of dawn

Let songs be sung from broken hearts

Is there reason for the suffering

If love wields weakly against such doubt

We need to rescue only ourselves

And relinquish any crown to hell

Spirit Dance

2008-10-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

Some swoon to their first kiss

Eyes closed upon goose prickled skin

A little gasp of air escapes

Parted lips with a lingering taste

Yesterday my face drained of blood

For atop a horse I found love

How such fear gripped my heart

It beated till it almost stopped

Yet a renewed strength had overcome

What ecstasy pierced my raging heart

As the wind fiercely seized both our manes

All worries forgotten like kicked up dust

No one left to judge except the setting sun

How sorry I felt to see her go

Though this is not the end, not even close

It surely is not the end of my spirit dance

2008-09-18T10:20:00.001-07:00

You are an island in an ocean of diarrhea.

After All - Jonathan Clay

2008-09-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

It was no accident
Maybe heaven sent
Everything worked out just like he planned

Its not my place
To mess with faith
You cant control what isn't in your hands

And after all I don't regret a thing
I want to thank you
For showing me this life

And after all I don't regret a thing
Cuz I know you
And I know you'll, I know you'll be alright

Holding hands
We were making plans
Forever didn't seem so far away

It's hard to think
It was you and me
Tangled up together in that frame

And after all I don't regret a thing
I want to thank you
For showing me this life

Desert Rose

2008-09-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of writing my autobiography. The idea is to choose three major events in your life that has dictated who you are. So far my three is as follows:

1. My relationship with WQ.
2. Moving from Boston to LA.
3. ???

2008-09-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am not my hair.
I am not my skin.
I am not your expectations.
I am the soul that lives within.

Last Chance

2008-08-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

This is your last chance.

Do well, be well, stay well.

Why doesn't the wound stay shut?

Happy Birthday to Me...

2008-08-04T09:50:00.000-07:00

My 25th birthday is officially here... It marks the end and the beginning of something great, which I can only hope my past experiences can help guide me through.

Things I wish to achieve this year:
1) Keep on going and moving
2) Strive to do what makes me happy
3) Stay close to family both in Asia and in the US

We are all part of something greater than our existence. We just have to take it one step at a time.

Anodyne

2008-07-17T22:12:00.001-07:00

Anodyne: an·o·dyne serving to relieve pain

Another moment has just unearthed a flurry of eggs waiting to hatch. I am at another crossroads in my life and this time, I am rather thrilled to be a part of the action. If all goes as planned, I may very well be back in Boston this time next year... It all makes quite a bit of sense. I will return to where I started and a new chapter will unfold.

An exit has been set but where is the entrance?

2008-07-05T08:33:00.001-07:00

G.U.I.L.T. trippin

Revelation

2008-06-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

So I agree. This isn't the sexiest picture I could find or the most scenic in regards to the Beijing Olympics but it's pretty good in my opinion. It represents to me what I have seen and observed in my 2.5 weeks trip to Asia with my family - passion and creativity.

One of the things I think I missed out on growing up was to really appreciate my culture. I think I purposefully took it for granted that I spoke the language fluently and dabbled in a few of the Chinese Performing Arts. For me, I felt that distancing myself away from my cultural roots represented some kind of success because I was able to "make it" on my own without relying on the race card or on anyone. Now I have come to see that my roots and my family are the pillars to my success.

While I was in Asia, there was a noticeable transformation in the way I handled myself. I saw a shift to me being more relaxed around my family and able to spend less. The latter part of this statement does not stem from the convenience of having my parents around but rather the realization that I don't need much to be happy. It's a strange thing because in the states, I am constantly shopping and going out in between work. This leaves me feeling like I always don't have enough to spend, which increases my need to put in extra hours. Amongst family in Asia, I felt so idiotically happy with the simplest things like a really good cheap meal and being able to tip someone who wasn't used to being tipped. Most of the time I didn't even want to spend anything and if I spent something it was generally for the family or for food. This very simple but remarkable change has made all the difference to me in terms of how I see and understand the idea of luxury. None of the bright shiny plastic smelling department stores or fancy schmancy hotels with alert bellboys had caught my attention in the least. It was the small businesses with generations of families running them and the small stores set up inside narrow corridors, which held my fascination and intrigue. It was as if nothing really mattered except for the people around me.

Another interesting epiphany that was bestowed upon me was the profound respect I have for Chinese culture and its people. Simply being in Beijing was enough to captivate my amazement at the herculian change of the scenery, economy, and modernization. Most of it is owed to the preparation for the 2008 Olympics and it is nothing short of extraordinary. Not only was the architecture and layout of the buildings grand, the passion of the Chinese people had not fallen short in the slightest. The enthusiasm felt from the cab drivers to people we met was contagious because everyone had so much pride for their country. They knew about the history, the politics, and the current events of China as well as a history professor or an economist. I'm not sure I can even remember one third of the high school history I learned in school. The difference to me lies in passion.

To be continued...

One Republic - All We Are

2008-05-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong
Black and white didn't fit you
And all along, you were shaded with patience, your strokes of everything that I need just to make it

And I believe that I could tear you apart but it won't break anything that you are
We'll say our goodbyes you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need, all we need, our love is at a bind

I walked a minute in your shoes, they never would've fit
I figured there's nothing to lose
I need to get some perspective on these words before I write them down
You're an island and my ship is running ground

Every single day that I can breathe, you changed my philosophy
I'm never gonna let you pass me by
So don't say your goodbyes you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change

2008-05-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have got to grow bigger than my own reflection in the mirror and not feel intimidated by it.

It almost sounds like a late night infomercial where some chirpy voice in the back says, "Do you feel bullied by your own reflection? Do you ever just want to fight back and demand respect? Well, now's your chance!"

It's possible to see through other people but is it possible to see through yourself?

What would it feel like and how would it change our decisions in life?

I guess I can start by admitting that first and foremost... I am weird.

2008-05-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

And she wept rivers of sparkling blue diamonds. She wept more than the waterfalls and the oceans combined.
Her sobs echoed through the oldest mountains and the tallest trees.

"Why are you crying?" said a very old man.

"Because the world is filled with such sadness and desperation, there is no hope."
He observed her for awhile and said, "Even if the skies turn dark and the stars don't shine, even if shadows lurk and winter reigns, there will always remain your ability to choose for yourself."

"And what do I choose?" she asked quietly.

"You will choose to remain true to your beliefs and your idea of what this world should be. Even if you stand alone with the world's back to you, you will choose to survive. You will survive because you will yourself to stand as a witness to the righteous. You will not give over to fear because the light inside your heart will guide you and prevail even in the darkest of all paths."

And since then, she remembers.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

2008-05-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

my ideal guy would be someone who is artistically/musically talented, smart and witty, funny, sarcastic and a bit mysterious

but also good in public situations

and has a decent sense of style

preferably clean and independent
and cares about the little gestures that matter

Heart of the Matter - Don Henley

2008-05-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carrying that anger; it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinking about forgiveness

2008-05-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

Foolish Hindrance

It’s never ever you,

It’s always forever me.

As he looks away

From your tear stricken face.

Her ring flashes brilliantly,

Two babies on her knees.

Dinner reservations for one please,

Just me, smiling apologetically.

In the mirror we stare,

Where the other ego compares,

The inches that bulge everywhere.

You are not the fairest of them all here.

Maybe not today, I’ll win.

Or tomorrow be as toned and thin.

It might be awhile before my luck begins,

And a few reminders to lift up my chin.

I may not have a lot herein,

Two things I do are time and patience.

Let mistakes become a source of guidance,

Soon I’ll be the happiest I’ve ever been.

2008-04-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

This summer I plan to...

1. Laugh more
2. Exercise more
3. Read more
4. Travel more
5. Hang out more
6. Be more freer
7. Take things less seriously

I want to believe in fairy tales again... however somber they may be.

2008-04-27T17:22:00.001-07:00

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

2008-04-13T20:37:00.001-07:00

People want what they can't get.
Herculian efforts of a dreamer's disease. I have it.

2008-03-30T00:54:00.000-07:00

For Krystal Law

Her wandering eyes flicker

At the light growing dimmer

Swollen lids try to resist

The last glimpses of her mother

A melody too familiar

Floats across her ears and lingers

Since she was too young to remember

This lullaby from the rocker

By her bed sits her sister

Who puts her arms around her

A thousand things yet to whisper

Only I love you was all she could muster

It’s only at the end we remember

The reasons we are brought together

Without love and loss as a reminder

Life becomes one meaningless blunder

With a strength unlike any other

She smiles and reaches out to our Father

Angels are needed in heaven as healers

Where there she will rest in peaceful splendor

Recherche

2008-03-03T22:52:00.001-08:00

I think I have reached a new level in my life. One in which I no longer trust my emotions and what it might or might not represent. I feel like I did such a successful job of building a tall and pretty wall imitating the "me" other people see, so much so that I feel empty inside. It's as if the room I've built is so large that the inner me is struggling to keep up with the image I have set for myself. As a result, I have decided to focus on the inner child. I no longer want to maintain the walls around me but rather live within myself. If this means I have to distance myself socially from others or to take a step back from being in the spotlight, then I am willing to go there. I no longer want to care or assume what other people think of me except to remind myself to do the right thing when it comes to treating others. Otherwise, I want to live as one and be content with the me that only I feel and assume. This newfound change has already begun to set me aside from the superficial things I normally care about. I want to walk slowly but surely and most likely alone. I can only ask for God and Buddha to give me the strength to proceed onto paths less treaded.

2007-12-17T14:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Santa,
I've been horribly good this year. If you were to bring me something, can it be love? If possible, I'd like it contained in something small so I can fit it into my pocket to remind me of my own worth. I promise to try not to break it or to neglect it for long periods of time because I know how hard it is to come by. Thank you.

Curtains Open

2007-11-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

Suddenly, my left leg is pumping up and down like a drug addict at a rave. This always happens in response to something exciting and sends my leg into a frenzy. It finally calms down as my tired brain shoots inhibitory sensory signals into its calcium addicted muscles.

Relax, I've only pulled the gloves on and just beginning my entrance onto stage.

Good morning, good afternoon and good feelings to citizens of the world. I am but a humble servant to consumerism and offer only my talent of the written word. It might never be read by many but it is a timeless performance for those who care to see. I encourage you to challenge not only yourself in maintaining your attention span but to challenge me also, your ringmaster, in bringing you the best of my intended creations.